Monkeying Around in D.C.

Johnny-on-the-Spot

There was a story recently that claimed a group of baboons is known as a “congress”.

In today’s political climate, the report got a lot of mileage until some decided to see if that was true.

Obviously, someone thought those folks in our nations’ capitol had been “monkeying around” way too much and decided to take some liberties with our language and label our elected folks with a less-than-flattering word.

Anytime you have more than one baboon, it’s referred to as a “troop”, not a “congress”.

The “troop” of baboons I heard from were mightily offended to think folks might consider them on a par with politicians.

But, be careful, because the folks at PETA are listening.

Now, our House of Representatives pulled a couple of other stunts that left me shaking my head.

First off, Missouri’s Emmanuel Cleaver, an ordained Methodist minister, ended his opening prayer for the 117th U.S. Congress with “amen and a woman.”

The full closing of his prayer was, “In the name of the monotheistic God, Brahma and God, known by many different names, by many different faiths…amen and a woman.”

Too cute for the room in my estimation.

“Amen” is a Hebrew word whose root meaning in “truth”.

Used in the closing of a prayer, it is a way to state, “It is true” or “So be it.”

Sort of a stamp of approval.

In Hebrew, “Amen” is actually pronounced “ah-MAIN”.

The word is also a verbal form and not a noun.

But, in politics, we should never let facts stand in the way of a vote grab.

So naturally, if the members of the House takes this to extreme, we’re looking at some changes in the way we communicate.

First of all, is Berlin in Germany or “Gerwomany”?

Will this be the new law?

But will it be mandatory or “womandatory”?

Will we file papers in manilla or “womanilla” folders?

In the clothing stores, will we see new fashions on mannequins or “womannequins”?

When I go to work on my vehicles, do I refer to the manual or the “womanual”?

Frankly, this seems like a lot of manure to me.

Whoops!

“Womanure”.

If we have a lot of something, is is gonna be many or “womany”?

If you get gassy and have cramps, is that a problem with the abdomen or the “abdowomen”?

To accomplish all of this will require a yeomen effort.

Check that.

A “yeowomen” effort.

We may need to get a new set of dictionaries and thesauras’ to accommodate all of these changes.

But how will we get those publiocations?

By ”shipwoment”?

And, if somebody screws the project up, we’ll just have to assume it was “womanhandled” by someone.

It’s enough to drive you crazy; perhaps turn you into a “womaniac”.

There seems to be a fundamental problem with all of this.

“Pardon me.

“Fundawomantal”.

My aforementioned comment might be off the mark, too.

Should that be “aforewomentioned”.

I think this might all be a bad sign.

Instead of “omen”, is that “owomen”?

I can’t even have a pepper anymore.

My mango is now a “womango”.

All this shallow window-dressing to draw attention to equal rights might be laughable…if the Congress wasn’t serious about this.

Now, there’s probably a reason why Pastor Cleaver pulled the “woman” stunt.

The 117th Congress came up with a new rules package aimed at banning words like “Father, Mother, Son, Daughter and other ‘gendered’ words” in their communications.

The new rules package “prioritizes ethics and accountability in the People’s House” and “creates a more accommodating process for ideas to be considered” and “promotes inclusion and diversity”.

This rule is meant to “honor all gender identities by changing pronouns and familial relationships in the House rules to be gender-neutral”.

Wow!

Now House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s own Twitter account bio describes her as “mother, grandmother and dark-chocolate connoisseur” so it seems to me some editing is in order…unless this is “do as I say, not as I do” edict.

So, if I’m going to use “House speak”, how do I refer to my wife?

“The spouse that is connected to me and I, to her, via antiquated religious vows?”

When I talk about my late Mother, is that the “ovarian-possessing creature that toted me for 9 months?”

So, I know longer have daughters, I suppose.

They’re probably “ovarian-possessing humanoids that were carried for 9 months by the older ovarian-possessing creature” I mentioned earlier.

The crazy part about all this is I fear someone is dead serious about this nonsense.

I, for one, have never really cared what you call me as long as it’s not late for dinner.

But this Congress seems to have a different plan.

However, American humorist Mark Twain said, “It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class…except Congress”.

Can I get an “Amen”?