How’s That Again?

Johnny-on-the-Spot

I’m listening to the radio the other day and the reporter tells of an attempted bank robbery in the city when a teller was shot in the incident.

Earlier in the week, I heard another reporter state that a group of rowdy youths got into a scuffle and several were shot in the fracas.

Now, as a youngster, I used to spend a lot of time looking through our Golden Book Encyclopedias at the colorful see-through overlays of the human body.

I saw lots of different “pieces and parts” but I don’t recall every seeing “the incident” or “the fracas”.

So, I’m not really sure where or what those bullets struck.

I thought I might need to go back to school for an anatomy refresher course.

Groucho Marx once said he shot an elephant in his pajamas and he had no idea how the elephant got in them.

Sometimes what is reported is somewhat different from what was witnessed or how we read it.

For example, this news headline.

Read it carefully. You might miss it.

“County Spelling Bee Postoned One More time

(Mind your P’s and Q’s, right?)

Here’s another.

“Missippi’s Literacy Program Shows Improvement”.

(Not so much the spelling, though.)

Sometimes, the “police blotters” in papers can contain some gems.

“Report of a Swanson chicken pot pie running east on Clay Street”.

(It was obviously running because it was chicken.)

“Police received a call from a woman who said she smelled something funny in her room last night. She believed it might be her husband”.

(Was that the same night they had sauerkraut?)

“Firefighters responded top an address where a woman, 22 months pregnant, needed medical assistance.

(If that’s factual, a call to the Guinness Book of World Records might be in order.)

Some publications also have food sections and this headline made my nose twitch.

“There’s a Proper Way to Cut the Cheese”.

Sometimes, a dictionary or thesaurus might be handy.

“Amphibious Pitcher Makes Debut”.

(He threw both left and right-handed. Maybe he had a frog in his throat?)

Now, I will admit to trying to come up with clever puns or hidden messages when I create headlines for my weekly blogs.

Perhaps that’s what was in play for these “strange” news headlines I uncovered.

“Forecasters Call for Weather on Monday”.

(I’m curious as to what has happening on Sunday.)

“Bridge Closure Date; Thursday or October”.

(Maybe Thursday was September 30th?)

“Police Arrest Everyone on February 22nd”.

“Man Arrested For Everything”

(And you thought only McGruff took a bite out of crime!)

“Miracle Cure Kills 5th Patient”.

(I’m calling Dr. Fauci!)

“State Population to Double By 2040; Babies to Blame”.

(Maybe we ought to check with the “baby-makers” first.)

“Slowdown Continues to Accelerate”.

(Was that why the recent stimulus bill was passed?)

“Free Mammograms at Chevron Station”.

(I’d pass on the complementary oil and lube job.)

“Threat Disrupts Plans to Meet About Threats”.

(That would be like a meeting to discuss snow removal being cancelled due to heavy snow.)

“Should Scotland Be Independent? NO 58% YES 52%

(Perhaps Scotland should look at math education first.)

“Body in Duffel Bag; May Be Homicide”.

(Maybe it’s the missing Kentucky state “hide-n-seek” champion.)

“Total Lunar Eclipse Will be Broadcast Live on Public Radio”.

(That’s why you need to keep sending in those donations.)

Here’s a great ad for a minor league baseball game.

“Prostrate Cancer Awareness Night” and “Foam Finger Giveaway”.

(Was the promoter Ben Dover?)

Back to the news headlines.

“Neurosurgery Department Gets New Head”.

(Paging Dr. Frankenstein. Paging Dr. Frankenstein.)

“Building Burns to Ground Following Safety Inspection”.

(Did we check the batteries in the smoke alarm?)

“Pigs Die as Houses Are Blown Down”.

(That darn wolf!)

“One-Armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers”.

(Can some one give him a hand?)

“Marijuana Issue Sent to a Joint Committee”.

(Talk about political decisions being made in smoky back rooms!)

“Woman Missing Since She Got Lost”.

( I was hoping to read “Woman Found After She Returned”.)

“Prisoner Serving 2,000 Year Sentence Could Face More Time”.

(Even with time off for “good behavior”, he’ll be an old man!)

“Health Officials; Pools. Diarrhea Not Good Mix”.

(Hey! Is that a Clark Bar floating over there?)

“Rally Against Apathy Draws Small Crowd”.

Speaking of small.

“Midget Sues Grocer; Cites Belittling Remarks”.

(Today we’d have to say “Vertically Challenged Individual.)

Recently, I heard health officials complain that only old people were getting the COVID-19 vaccine in our state.

If memory serves me, we started with the oldest and only recently have included folks under 50.

Do we need “patients” or “patience”?

You can also find some real gems in the “Letters to the Editor” sections.

“The gay agenda has to stop in the schools. My grandson came home

from school and said they were talking about “homo sapiens” in science class. This has to stop!”

It might be funny but what if this person is a registered voter.

Is it funny…or sad?

So, if the comic pages don’t make you laugh, maybe you need to look closer at the headlines and those letters to the editor.

There’s where today’s real funny stuff is found.

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